I had a dream awhile back where I felt as though I was in a real feeling video game. There were different scenes that I would find myself in but I knew they weren’t real, that this was just a lucid dream and I could be in it but not get lost in it.

As the dream went on I began to care about what was going on. I wanted a certain jacket to not get dirty, I wanted to stop a family fight and I didn’t want to go into the dark cellar, etc. As I began caring about things I also began losing my lucidity. I started to forget that this was only a dream and quickly it swallowed my awareness up.

Caring about outcomes took away my lucidity, wanting things to be different or in a particular way sucked me up into the video game and I forgot that none of it was real.

Fascinating.

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So I’ve been in a dance with a part of myself that has a heavy karmic load attached to it.

It’s a piece that wants things. Recently it wants to have a few glasses of wine and binge watch a TV show. In the past it wanted to smoke pot everyday or eat things that barely passed as food. It has had a few different faces with the same underlying story of wanting.

It’s the part that has been able to control the mind and body to do its bidding for years, for lifetimes.

I’ve been studying it, watching it for a long time. It’s dense and opaque. I can’t see anything and the mind cant understand it. It’s tricky and elusive. It feels like it has power over me. It can control me. It’s been the thorn in my side. A source of a lot of suffering and confusion.

Or so the story goes.

So I’ve been watching it in earnest, looking at it with fresh eyes.

Making light of the whole game.

I noticed that it starts with a thought. “I want ‘x’.”

Then an emotion kicks in which I feel in the body. The thoughts loop and the emotion intensifies. 

The feeling of being compelled kicks in. An action wants to be taken.

It’s so strong and loud, I feel so weak. I cant say no. I have to do it. 

This is what a karmic action feels like. The intensity of it makes it so much easier to see.

It’s more challenging to experience but because it’s become so big it can be seen more easily once the awareness clicks in as to what is actually happening.

When a pattern picks up steam it has the ability to compel a body and mind to do what it wants.

When an untrained mind hears a thought it follows it unwittingly. Then an emotion which has a more sustained impact on the body itself compels that body to move and take action in its desired way.

The mind and body follow as long as the awareness remains limited.

The impetus to act then comes from the identity who wants this or that.

The person feels like a puppet on a string, unable to change their actions. Lost to whatever addiction or obsession is pushing or pulling the person to partake in.

It’s not so much about what this part wants specifically but more so about the dynamic behind the action that being taken that’s important to see. It’s important to see what freewill does to the Chita or the mind of God.

This part wants to keep coming back into separation for the experience.

And the only way it can have the experience it wants is through control of the mind and body.

So I’ve been watching this in myself for years. Watching the whole fight and give in and looping patterns of negotiation.

But like I said lately I’ve put a new spin on it. I decided to have fun with it, to take the dread away and add some neutrality to it. I could watch from a space sans definition. 

From a state of innocence, a state where I don't know anything and whatever I attached to this pattern in the past is wiped clean.

Its dissolved away, let go of so that I can come in fresh.

I’ve given it so much space in observation mode that I’ve finally been able to see…. “Ohh I can wave my hand right through this, it’s completely empty.”

So what happened? A second ago this felt solid and real and daunting and now it’s a ghost?

A finite experience goes vertical when you bring awareness into the equation. The energy that was stuck in the loop becomes transparent, it becomes a passageway into all of creation.

It literally goes from an expected chain of events into the realm of all possibilities.

It goes from a finite pool of things to the open road of all, where there is no path, no grooved loop to gravitate towards.

You’re in the 3rd nervous system, an infinite well of life exists here.

The silent mind, which is full of awareness, can see that the identity behind the scenes pulling the strings is not an entity, it isn't anything at all.

It’s just phenomena that vanishes with the scrutinizing gaze.

It’s comes and goes and who I really am remains.

The impetus to act in ways that don't include your full awareness dissipates. 

The action no longer comes from an identity that wants this or that but instead from the one who remains.

Lucidity stays intact and there is a sensation of being in a finite experience AND in full expression of Self. You are in it and not of it.

Chita will act naturally when the impetus to act from a pattern subsides. 

If Chita is told to act differently, it will. Always accommodating whatever Will is in charge.

When the identity is seen for what it is the action comes through You rather than from (y)ou. It feels effortless and natural. 

Every move is for this clear state. Every turn a singeing off of old tendencies.

Until we are aligned with the light. The angle just right. 

And then the light shines right on through.