Recognition of Truth, Entering Theos

It’s funny to think about how much human nature avoids change. We want things to stay the same because it’s comfortable.

And when we get so stuck that it feels like a prison we want out. We built up such a fortress anything but that fortress feels scary and exposed. 

The game around all of this is quite something. It feels so damn real.

At some point when/if you’ve reversed out of enough of these scenarios you get a feel for the dynamic.

I have to say it’s very interesting putting words to things when the subject object collapses.

In one way there is much more clarity and in another way it becomes harder to explain.

When the script flips and you know yourself as awareness it’s interesting to then go back to understanding how change felt scary before because impermanence is the very sensation of bliss.

It’s the very thing we all want actually. To let everything go, to feel the unburdening of such things, you can imagine this now as you read (or listen) to this.

To cleanse yourself of all of it, it’s one of the greatest sensations there is.

We do it every now and then, especially when we get to a breaking point and can’t take it anymore and we just drift in the bliss of that feeling until the next time we can’t take it anymore.

We don't stay in that flow of surrender, even though it’s absolute bliss.

We go in and then slowly move away and out of it.

For me, I thought I needed to do it. I needed to do something to get that flow back. I needed to earn my way in there. I needed to make myself better,  worthy. And then I would find that I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t sustain it. And there is the judgement, the guilt and the shame. It was confusing and a big pile of yuck.

Yesterday, in meditation, I found myself back in my room in my old house when I was 8. I laid there under the covers in the dark. But there was a distinct difference between what the experience was like then and now.

I used to be terrified of the dark and would feel what felt like a demon watching me.

But this time I felt this version of me say, “Im not who I think I am and that is not what I think it is.”

She got up and walked over to the being in the room. 

She didn’t feel fear. All the stories were gone. All the guilt and shame and distortions of light were gone. 

This being wasn't dark, she couldn’t look directly at them because they were so blindingly bright. Consciousness was shining right through them and it was hard to look directly at the truth when there are parts that are still playing in lies.

This time though, she was ready.

She could feel herself as the awareness. She could see the perspective of who she thought she was for what it was, just one “p” in the sea of infinity.

She walked up to herself, and that part kneeled down to her. They touched foreheads in full recognition. The 8 year old version could see Theos shining through the dark and she stepped into it.

I felt that whole timeline change in that moment.

Everything changed.

It was as if she had been there the whole time waiting for my return.

As if at that moment in 1988 a part chose to turn away from the light to go into duality and experience this modern era only to remember who she really is leaving that imprint in 2021 to begin the return back to that 8 year old Magi through the help of So See Hoon she returned to Grace. 

There was a circling back to innocence.

Your awareness knows that this is how it works. 

There was never anything to forgive, you weren’t seeing clearly, now you are. 

This is what grace feels like and its always available, it’s just up to us to step into it while everything we were holding onto before drops to the ground. 

It can’t come in. Its left at the door. 

Your identity suit must stay over there and you can live from here at all times. 

That’s the price.

The recognition of Truth sets you free. 

This is what our friend Yeshua was trying to tell us. All is forgiven, right now. Come over here and see and feel the difference between energy and consciousness so they can come together.

It is the way to liberation.

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The Impetus to Act

I had a dream awhile back where I felt as though I was in a real feeling video game. There were different scenes that I would find myself in but I knew they weren’t real, that this was just a lucid dream and I could be in it but not get lost in it.

As the dream went on I began to care about what was going on. I wanted a certain jacket to not get dirty, I wanted to stop a family fight and I didn’t want to go into the dark cellar, etc. As I began caring about things I also began losing my lucidity. I started to forget that this was only a dream and quickly it swallowed my awareness up.

Caring about outcomes took away my lucidity, wanting things to be different or in a particular way sucked me up into the video game and I forgot that none of it was real.

Fascinating.

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So I’ve been in a dance with a part of myself that has a heavy karmic load attached to it.

It’s a piece that wants things. Recently it wants to have a few glasses of wine and binge watch a TV show. In the past it wanted to smoke pot everyday or eat things that barely passed as food. It has had a few different faces with the same underlying story of wanting.

It’s the part that has been able to control the mind and body to do its bidding for years, for lifetimes.

I’ve been studying it, watching it for a long time. It’s dense and opaque. I can’t see anything and the mind cant understand it. It’s tricky and elusive. It feels like it has power over me. It can control me. It’s been the thorn in my side. A source of a lot of suffering and confusion.

Or so the story goes.

So I’ve been watching it in earnest, looking at it with fresh eyes.

Making light of the whole game.

I noticed that it starts with a thought. “I want ‘x’.”

Then an emotion kicks in which I feel in the body. The thoughts loop and the emotion intensifies. 

The feeling of being compelled kicks in. An action wants to be taken.

It’s so strong and loud, I feel so weak. I cant say no. I have to do it. 

This is what a karmic action feels like. The intensity of it makes it so much easier to see.

It’s more challenging to experience but because it’s become so big it can be seen more easily once the awareness clicks in as to what is actually happening.

When a pattern picks up steam it has the ability to compel a body and mind to do what it wants.

When an untrained mind hears a thought it follows it unwittingly. Then an emotion which has a more sustained impact on the body itself compels that body to move and take action in its desired way.

The mind and body follow as long as the awareness remains limited.

The impetus to act then comes from the identity who wants this or that.

The person feels like a puppet on a string, unable to change their actions. Lost to whatever addiction or obsession is pushing or pulling the person to partake in.

It’s not so much about what this part wants specifically but more so about the dynamic behind the action that being taken that’s important to see. It’s important to see what freewill does to the Chita or the mind of God.

This part wants to keep coming back into separation for the experience.

And the only way it can have the experience it wants is through control of the mind and body.

So I’ve been watching this in myself for years. Watching the whole fight and give in and looping patterns of negotiation.

But like I said lately I’ve put a new spin on it. I decided to have fun with it, to take the dread away and add some neutrality to it. I could watch from a space sans definition. 

From a state of innocence, a state where I don't know anything and whatever I attached to this pattern in the past is wiped clean.

Its dissolved away, let go of so that I can come in fresh.

I’ve given it so much space in observation mode that I’ve finally been able to see…. “Ohh I can wave my hand right through this, it’s completely empty.”

So what happened? A second ago this felt solid and real and daunting and now it’s a ghost?

A finite experience goes vertical when you bring awareness into the equation. The energy that was stuck in the loop becomes transparent, it becomes a passageway into all of creation.

It literally goes from an expected chain of events into the realm of all possibilities.

It goes from a finite pool of things to the open road of all, where there is no path, no grooved loop to gravitate towards.

You’re in the 3rd nervous system, an infinite well of life exists here.

The silent mind, which is full of awareness, can see that the identity behind the scenes pulling the strings is not an entity, it isn't anything at all.

It’s just phenomena that vanishes with the scrutinizing gaze.

It’s comes and goes and who I really am remains.

The impetus to act in ways that don't include your full awareness dissipates. 

The action no longer comes from an identity that wants this or that but instead from the one who remains.

Lucidity stays intact and there is a sensation of being in a finite experience AND in full expression of Self. You are in it and not of it.

Chita will act naturally when the impetus to act from a pattern subsides. 

If Chita is told to act differently, it will. Always accommodating whatever Will is in charge.

When the identity is seen for what it is the action comes through You rather than from (y)ou. It feels effortless and natural. 

Every move is for this clear state. Every turn a singeing off of old tendencies.

Until we are aligned with the light. The angle just right. 

And then the light shines right on through.