Back in 2003 I was having a mental breakdown. I was 23, living in Manhattan, had a cushy job, my own apartment in the east village and I was miserable. I tried to be happy by fixing my “flaws”. I changed my diet to vegetarianism, I worked out like mad, I said my affirmations every day, I did all the things and yet I was feeling worse not better.
I really wanted to feel better. That was the most important thing for me at the time.
I decided something extreme was in order. I got online and looked up epic trips of a lifetime. I found info on something called The Seven Summits of the World. OH YES.
I barely even thought about it before I booked a 4 week long mountain expedition on Aconcagua, one of the seven summits which are the highest mountain peaks on each of the 7 continents.
This trip entailed a flight down to Mendoza, Argentina where I would meet a group of fellow mountaineers and 2 guides who would lead us to the top and back. It takes 3.5 weeks to essentially trek up the mountain because there is a huge elevation change and one needs to acclimate to successfully make it to the top. There is no guarantee you’ll make it, there are many factors to consider like how your body responds to altitude, extreme inclement weather, falling rocks, etc.
It’s a serious climb, not technical but challenging on many levels.
It will strip you of your dignity, your comfort, and take a toll on you physically, mentally and emotionally. It’s the longest Ive gone without showering or having access to a toilet. I’ll let your imagination fill in the blanks on that.
So I began training. I went to REI and bought everything on the long list of equipment. This trek required a 50 lb backpack, I’m 5’2”btw. I bought a backpack, puts weights in it and walked on the treadmill at the gym at full tilt. Yes I trained on a treadmill wearing hiking boots in NYC.
Ridiculous? Yes, but man it got my juices flowing! I was finally feeling alive! I had a grand adventure ahead of me, something I thought was the answer to everything. Getting to the top of the mountain was going to change my life. I was convinced come hell or high water I was going to find what I was looking for at 23,000 feet.
I didn’t realize at the time that what I was really being called to do had nothing to do with doing. It wasn't about more human adventures but I wasn't ready to listen.
I knew I had a passion for something. I’ve had that nagging sensation for most of my life but I had no worldly passions. Nothing mattered that much for me to throw all of my heart into it.
There were many parts of me that still wanted so many things. If I think about why I didn’t allow realization, back then, it really comes down to the fact that I wasn’t willing to let the story end, it was too important. The scales were tipped in favor of experience rather than Truth.
The identity still wanted to live a normal human life. Those strong wants and desires took precedence over divine will. If an identity asserts their free will then consciousness will back down. There is a science to this. The wanting keeps you contained, it keeps you in patterned loops.
But at some point your most important thing starts to morph into something that takes precedence over how the human feels. The most important thing becomes something deeper. The passion that was seething under the surface starts to make cracks in the facade.
I knew there was more but I didn't know how to get there. I felt the passion and took charge in the way an identity does but that was not the way.
Consciousness came back around and I got the message the next time. It was time to stop taking action in the same way, it was time to go off alone with no distractions and let go. Let myself fall apart.
Consciousness doesn't feel like how the human would want it too. Its a force of nature that will take the air from your lungs. And it’s exactly the medicine we need to make our way back to unity so that we can live out and embody our true passion for being here.
The lengths we go to to not look our Truth in the face is wild. That felt more scary then what I did instead. The power of fear on the physical body and the psyche is so intense and feels so insurmountable and yet when you finally say fuck it and take a step towards it there’s nothing really there. Its a mirage. And if you keep going you will be met by the only real truth that has been there all along.
You will step out and find footing and a sense of stability and sovereignty that can only be found when you move towards it.
What was being called for was not a physical step up a mountain. There was nothing I could do in this world to find the peace and happiness I wanted so desperately. I had to actually stop looking away from the fear that stopped me from moving on my conscious trajectory and instead reach my hand through it.
Sovereignty isn't earned its already yours but you do have to move towards it in the way thats being called for in every moment. You must be still and listen with earnest ears and then act. The action will come from a deeper place that will bring true liberation.
You have to get to a point where knowing the truth matters more than anything, more than your own karmic limited life. I could not settle for the fleeting whim of experience anymore, I wanted the real thing and so there was nothing the identity could do but bow to whatever was to come.
And saying yes to fear and trepidation (to everything) is the new way. It’s not a bucking up, its softening and looking. I know who I Am, I can be whatever is needed, clear and flexible. We don't fight the patterns we notice them and bring infinity into and through them with sacred inquiry. Injecting New Energy into every pattern.
